Speaking of Courage

When I was in eighth grade, I fell off a cliff.

Falling is the best and worst feeling in the world. It’s a release — you’ve detached yourself from the troubles of life, physically and mentally. For once, you know for certain what is going to happen next. It’s freeing.

Actually, no. It’s not freeing. When you’re falling, you don’t get to decide where you go. You’re going down, wether you like it or not. And while you do know what comes next — you’re going to hit the ground — the moment after is what you’re focusing on. Perhaps that is a welcome release from the troubles of life, but fear of the unknown — am I even going to make it once I land? — is what keeps most people a safe distance away from the edge of the cliff.

As you can probably guess, I have a hard time staying away from edges of cliffs. It’s not on purpose; while I really want to know what the drop down looks like, I don’t want to experience it myself, so I settle for a comfortable 5 feet from the edge. Anyways, if I go any closer, my mother, who hates heights, will sharply pull me back by the hood of my sweatshirt. But I can’t control the power of the wind. I can’t control how I trip over the massive tree root that wasn’t there a second ago. I can’t control whether or not someone jostles me or pushes me in such away that suddenly I’m over the edge before I can even blink.

That’s what happened in eighth grade. I thought I had control, but the next thing I know, I’m racing down the cliff face at 9.8 m/s/s, and the rocky lagoon below is getting closer and closer until its just inches away…

And then the bungee harness, that I didn’t even know I had, springs into action. If only for that moment, everything is alright.

I didn't actually go bungee jumping off a cliff when I was in eighth grade. I’ve never been bungee jumping at all (though it’s on my bucket list!), at least not physically. Emotionally, however? To say the least, there were a lot of times in eighth grade where I felt like I hung frozen in the analogy, where the rocky water below seemed only inches from my face, a limbo between life and death. Then, BAM! The bungee cord, which I don’t even know I have, kicks in and suddenly I’m saved, soaring up and away from danger. But bungee cords are elastic, so I’m back where I was a second ago, and then up again. It repeats so on and so forth, but each time I go down, I’m just a little bit farther from the rocks below. The bounces get smaller and smaller, until I’m lazily swinging around in my harness, halfway between the bottom and top of the cliff. I’m still not there in my journey yet. I get a little closer every day, but theres still some bouncing I have to do.

This year is my senior year of high school, so I’m almost always thinking of the future, and there’s definitely some fear in there. Luckily, I am part of an amazing program called The Knowledge Society (TKS), “a global community of the world’s most curious, driven, and ambitious [young] people that want to make an impact”. In other words, TKS trains kids on how to make an impact and unlock their full potential. And developing the right mindset is one of the most important parts of that journey.

In eighth grade, I definitely didn't have the right mindset. Its really hard to make an impact and unlock your potential when you feel like you’re falling off a cliff 24/7. Personally, I found that it’s quite hard just to get out of bed with that mindset! It doesn’t help when you wake up every morning in an unfamiliar room with multiple IVs in your arm and wearing a hospital gown. By this point, I’d been free falling off the cliff for years. My fears were what controlled my mindset, and it almost killed me.

There wasn't an exact moment when my bungee cord kicked in, but it did. I’ve been bouncing up and down parallel to the cliff face for a while now — it was only recently that my bouncing became manageable enough that I could focus on other things besides the rocky waters below or the jerking in my stomach. It’s become a bit more like bouncing on a trampoline, though I still have moments where I’m much closer to the waves below than I’d like to be.

I am only here because my mindset changed. The reason I bring TKS up, the reason I’m writing this whole article, is because, in the most recent session, we talked about the affects of fear on unlocking our full potential. Its an inhibitor. It leads to a frame of mind that sends you hurtling down towards the ocean below.

What can you do to eliminate fears? Well, the best way is to face them. I really, really struggle with this. I am here today because I changed my frame of mind — that doesn't mean its perfect. Sometimes it feels like the bare minimum mindset to keep me functioning properly. A main part of the reason that I continue to be bouncing in between the water below and the land above is because I don’t go out of my way to face my fears. I let them prohibit me, but I’ve done that for too long.

Everybody in my cohort shared some of their worst fears. Most were fears around losing the people they loved, or being judged/disliked by others, and (shoutout to all my seniors out there!) not getting into college or having the future that they want. And I totally share these fears, especially the judgement one. However, its taken 30-something kids, who have only met a couple of times over zoom (thanks coronavirus!), sharing these vulnerabilities and pledging to face them, for me to wake up and see how important it is that I face my own. Why should I let fear of judgement keep me from getting to know the super awesome kids at TKS, or emailing that professor doing cool research at my top choice college, or reaching out to a CEO of a cool start-up and having a quick chat about something we’re both interested in?

So, this week, I decided to write an article thats a lot more transparent about my life and my struggles than I usually am. And, if you've gotten this far, you see that I did! I also want to reach out to one of those scary crazy accomplished grown-ups mentioned above, because we never know when these connections will come in handy! This article itself is already coming in handy — I have three more articles in the works, and I know as I put one piece of myself out there to be judged, it will get easier and easier to put more of myself out there.

Fear prohibits everyone, as I’m sure you know. This weeks intentions are only the beginning for me, and this week can be the beginning for you, too. Where are you on your emotional bungee jumping journey? What mindset would be good to adopt to get you further along? What fears are holding you back? Most importantly, what can you do to confront them?